The Hard Cell/Transcript
DISCLAIMER LARRY: The following is a fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, DragonBall GT, and DragonBall Super are all owned by FUNimation, TOEI Animation, Shueisha, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release. (cut to The Lookout with Dende trying to watch the battle in his mind) DENDE: I can't see shit! MR. POPO: I told you before, you have to-- DENDE: Clear my mind of all other thoughts. Yeah, primo advice. Might as well ask me to herd star-knoss... MR. POPO: I'm going to assume those are similar to cats. DENDE: Oh, no, they eat cats...exclusively. Me-dammit, I want to watch this stupid fight! MR. POPO: Tell me; what thoughts are clouding your mind? GOHAN: (speaking in Dende's head) Hey, Dende. Could you put this lotion on my back and/or butt? DENDE: Mmm... God stuff. MR. POPO: Well, worry not. All we really need is a little green. DENDE: I specifically told you not to call me that. MR. POPO: (holds up a joint) I'm not~ DENDE: Yo... SEQUENCE (Cut to Goku and Perfect Cell continuing their epic clash at the Cell Games by moving at supersonic speeds. Goku nearly falls out of the ring but quickly maneuvers himself and kicks Perfect Cell in the back. Prefect Cell strops the the edge of the ring and moves behind Goku and punches him, but Goku blocks it with a kick. Perfect Cell attempts another punch, But Goku moves away, causing him to punch the ring. Both combatants then kick each other in the face and Perfect Cell tries another punch, but Goku ducks and double-kicks Perfect Cell into the air.) JIMMY FIRECRACKER: My God... What feats of incomparable skill and might! What power! What speed! What a battle...! ...Is what I'd be saying if they were in the ring... Where are they? LARRY: Maybe they're moving at speeds too fast for the human eye? I could try using the high shutter camera... MR. SATAN: Jerry, you're a terrific camera guy, but a lousy martial artist. Nobody's that fast! They're just using camouflage—like the Predator! Or Harry Potter. (Goku and Perfect Cell collide in the air, sending a shockwave that stuns Mr. Satan, Jimmy Firecracker, and Larry) JIMMY FIRECRACKER: ...Harry Potter, sir? MR. SATAN: My daughter's a big fan. (Goku kicks Perfect Cell in the face, which he counters by punching Goku in the face) PERFECT CELL: Good, Goku, very good. This is exactly what I've been looking for! (chuckles) Oh, you know... When I became perfect, I was a little scared... scared that I'd never be able to test these abilities. Like a master surgeon without a patient. GOKU: Or a grill without a burger. PERFECT CELL: Yes, you get it, Goku! And that's why we're here today. You are the only one who can complete me; compete with me! All the others? Ah, they mean nothing! This tournament, this ring; they're all for you. So we could have our perfect battle. GOKU: Well, honestly, you didn't need to go this far. I'm just here for a fight. PERFECT CELL: God, that's what I adore about you. You're so simple! That's what nobody else understands... Now then... how about we slip into something more... comfortable. GOKU: Wait, I'm confused. Are you asking me to get naked? 'Cause I'm not gonna say no, but I shouldn't say yes... Oh crap, guy--! (everyone else screams as Perfect Cell destroys his own ring, leaving a massive crater) KRILLIN: Heh, looks like there's a hole in the ring! (laughs) GOHAN: ...Really? KRILLIN: Let me cope! (shift over to Jimmy Firecracker, Mr. Satan, and Larry, who were saved from the blast by Android 16) JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Th-tha-thank you for saving us, M-M-Mister, uh... ANDROID 16: 16. Android 16. JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Anything you'd like to say to the audience? ANDROID 16: I want to murder Son Goku. JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Well, you heard it here first, folks. (cut over to a crowd in the city watching the battle in a jumbotron, which shows Android 16 walking away) RANDOM DUDE: Yeah, f**k Goku! (cut back to the Cell Games) PERFECT CELL: I'd feel worse about all the time I spent making our perfect ring, but now that it's gone... we can fight unabated! GOKU: (as he stretches his legs) Chi-Chi told me that makes you grow hair on your eyes. PERFECT CELL: Killing you will be the hardest thing I ever enjoy. (precedes to fire multiple blast at Goku, who evades them by flying away) LARRY: Sir, what's our life insurance policy? JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Same as our ethics policy! LARRY: Then I'm real glad I don't have a family! (there's a massive explosion and Goku is seen rising high in the sky) KRILLIN: Huh... What's he doing up there? Ooh, you think he's going for a Solar Flare? GOKU: Kaaaa...! PICCOLO: That's not how the Solar Flare works! PERFECT CELL: He-he can't be serious... GOKU: ...Meeeee...! TRUNKS: Gettin' Dad flashbacks here! GOKU: ...HAAAA...! PERFECT CELL: (chuckles) I see! Yes, Goku! You're absolutely right! This is the only way it can end! This tournament, these fools, this planet...! They mean nothing to men like you and I! We will go out together... in a ball of molten rock and death! GOKU: ...MEEEE...! KRILLIN: GOKU, NO!! PERFECT CELL: YEESSSS~!! (Goku pops out and pops in directly in front of Perfect Cell) PERFECT CELL: (realizing he's f**ked right in the down under) ...Oh... CRAPBASKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—!!! GOKU: ...HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! (unleashes his blast at Perfect Cell in point-blank range, striking him in the upper body) JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Larry! Are you alive? LARRY: (appears behind Jimmy Firecracker) Somehow, sir. JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Then get back out there, Larry! (Goku starts panting in exhaustion as it reveals that the entire upper portion of Perfect Cell's body has been vaporized) YAMCHA: Ha! Well those guys with the camera better stop rolling, 'cause looks like Cell's going topless! Hu-ha! TIEN: You know, just because everyone somehow survived this... I'm gonna let you have that. VEGETA: (off-screen) I won't; you suck! YAMCHA: Oh... JIMMY FIRECRACKER: God as my witness... It looks like that orange hillbilly has exploded the top of Cell! Mr. Satan, do you have any explanations? MR. SATAN: Well, if I were a bettin' man—and I am, it's a serious problem—they combined the lasers and the mirrors with C4 charges-- JIMMY FIRECRACKER: And switched the body out in the ensuing chaos! MR. SATAN: (off-screen) Now you're thinking like a Satanist, Jimmy. GOKU: Awesome. Hey Krillin, can I get a ten-count? KRILLIN: You got it, Goku! ONE! (Perfect Cell's body suddenly gets back up) Twoooo...! PERFECT CELL: (regenerates his head and arms) All right, time! Time out! Time right the hell out! GOKU: How did you--? PERFECT CELL: You weren't here for this, but TL;DR... Piccolo's cells. PICCOLO: Okay, I am... 90% sure I can't do that. PERFECT CELL: We'll figure that out later. In the meantime, what I really want to know is how you keep popping in and out of reality! GOKU: Oh, that's just my Instant Transmission. PERFECT CELL: And don't tell me, is that another technique you stole? GOKU: No... Kinda... I got it from eating sick aliens... PERFECT CELL: That's disgusting. GOKU: You eat people all the time! PERFECT CELL: Yes. And I'm a monster. GOHAN: Yeah, with all our stolen DNA. PERFECT CELL: I DIDN'T ASK TO BE BORN, DADS! (Goku and Perfect Cell resume their fight) JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Mr. Satan, can you make heads or tails of this? Because right now, I'm more confused than a homeless man under house arrest! MR. SATAN: First of all; I find that offensive. JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Why? MR. SATAN: Secondly, uh... I don't want to give away all the trade secrets! Otherwise, what would be left for the kids, Jimmy? What would be left for the kids? (cut over to Master Roshi watching the fight on a TV at Kame House) JIMMY FIRECRACKER: (on TV) Pragmatism at its finest, Mr. Satan. BULMA: (open the door) Hey, I'm here. Sorry I'm so late; I had to pick up Trunks from Daycare. MASTER ROSHI: Ahh... You brought the baby... BULMA: Is that a problem? MASTER ROSHI: I--... Naw, it's fine. TURTLE: He is legally obligated to inform you that he is-- MASTER ROSHI: Turtle, I've watched her poop! She knows what I'm about. (cut back to the Cell Games with Goku trying to catch his breath) PERFECT CELL: I'll admit, Goku, I'm impressed. A blast that strong should've wiped you, but here you are, still swinging away at me! GOKU: Cell... if I gained anything in the days leading up to this tournament, it was endurance. (cut to Goku's house with Chi-Chi sneezing) OX KING: What did you do to him?? CHI-CHI: What didn't I do to him? OX KING: You're just like your mother. (cut back to the Cell Games) PICCOLO: This is bad. The last time I saw Goku this winded, he was having a heart attack. He can't keep this up. TRUNKS: Wait! What about the Senzu Beans? You know, the magical beans that... heal all wounds and... restore your... stamina...? Okay, guys, if you're bothered by cheating, either loosen your moral code or stop hinging the fate of the world on deathmatches! VEGETA: I can't believe you're my son. TRUNKS: Hey, you said it, not me. VEGETA: Kakarrot isn't like you; he's a full-blooded Saiyan warrior! He'd throw that Senzu Bean back in your face, because it's not the world that's at stake... TRUNKS: I'm pretty sure it is-- VEGETA: ...it's his Saiyan pride! He'll see this fight to the end without any of our help. Even if it kills him. GOKU: (expels his aura) I give up. VEGETA: I'LL KILL HIM!! PERFECT CELL: I'm sorry, I'm rather high up here. What did you just say, Goku?! GOKU: I give up! You win! Great fight! GOHAN: Wait, what is he doing? PICCOLO: Well, this is your father, so he's either saving all of our lives or dooming us all. PERFECT CELL: But we're not finished. I'm not finished! This isn't a victory; this is... I don't even know what this is! GOKU: Nah, it's totally a victory. 'Cause I'm giving up. That means you win. VEGETA/PERFECT CELL: (simultaneously) Every word you just spoke has made me violently angry. OH, GREAT! NOW I'M AGREEING WITH CELL/VEGETA! LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO! GOKU: Cell, you knew what this was... Just a fight. Nothing more. PERFECT CELL: You bitch...! If you seriously concede, I'll... I'll just blow up the Earth like I said! So unless you want me to turn this whole planet into an asteroid field, Kakarrot, GET BACK UP HERE AND PUNCH ME IN MY PERFECT JAWLINE!! GOKU: Hold your horses, Cell. You said this was a tournament. There's still a fighter left to take you on, so you'll have to fight him first. PERFECT CELL: Oh...? Oh, ohoho, I see... This is a prank! My God, I honestly never figured you for a prankster, Goku, but you son of a bitch, ya got me! Okay, who is it? Is it the Prince? No, it couldn't be; I don't even take my own sloppy seconds. The boy? Hardly; he looks like he's about ready to crush coal into diamonds with his sphincter. Oh, could it be Tenshinhan? Please tell me it's Tenshinhan. YAMCHA: Man, it's like a hate boner triangle. GOKU: Nope-arino! The fighter I've selected... the fighter who will finally put your terror to an end, is~... Mr. Satan! Get out here, you! MR. SATAN: (off-screen) DIARRHEA! GOKU: Well, shoot. Original plan, then. Gohan, get out here! GOHAN: I'm sorry, we're a little high up here. What did he just say, Mr. Piccolo? PICCOLO: I think he just said... PERFECT CELL: Gohan? Out of the entire list, you pick... him?! He wasn't even on the list! YAMCHA was on the list! YAMCHA: Wait, why was I--?! PERFECT CELL: Half-time entertainment! YAMCHA: ... Frankly, I'm just happy to be included. GOKU: (leaps and lands with everyone else) Alright, Gohan. He's all yours. Have fun! GOHAN: Dad, I'm going to have to politely ask you to back the HFIL up. What... in Dende's name... are you doing? GOKU: I'm sending in the strongest fighter we got. This is what you trained for. GOHAN: T-That's what YOU trained for! I'' was never supposed to fight! I was just there to make you stronger! '''GOKU:' Oh, Gohan, you're just being insincere. PICCOLO: Insecure; and no, he's not! HE'S 11 YEARS OLD! KRILLIN: Goku, we're not going to tell you how to be a parent right now... PICCOLO: (off-screen) I AM!! KRILLIN: ...but how do you think Chi-Chi is going to react to this? (shift over to Chi-Chi's reaction towards Goku's decision...) CHI-CHI: I am going to castrate him...! (shift back to Goku and the others) GOKU: Guys, trust me on this one. I spent a whole year training him last week. So get out there, Gohan! You got this. GOHAN: Do I even have a choice? GOKU: 'Course you do! You either go out there and kill him, or the planet gets exploded. GOHAN: That's not a choice, that's an ultimatum. GOKU: Gohan... we both know I don't know what that word means. GOHAN: Obviously not. *sighs* OK, fine, I'll go fight Cell... I've never been wished back by the Dragon, so hey, this'll be a learning experience... (removes his cape) GOKU: Gohan, wait. Before you go... GOHAN: What? GOKU: ...You're so much stronger than you think you are. GOHAN: Yeah, well, let's see what Cell thinks. JIMMY FIRECRACKER: My goodness! The orange hillbilly, previously reported to BEAT HIS WIFE, has resigned himself, and sent his own child to fight Cell! (shift over to Chi-Chi) CHI-CHI: (totally spazzing out) ...With a BUTTER KNIFE, you son of a BITCH! I'll tie you to a chair first and gag you with a GODDAMN DAIKON RADISH! PERFECT CELL: So, the biggest, most important fight of my life walks away, and sends in the world's strongest bookworm! Fine, Goku, I'll play along with this little joke. But I want you to know - while I'm busy pounding your son... I'll be thinking of you the entire time. GOHAN: (thinking) Thinking about it, I might actually have the advantage here. He took as much of a beating as Dad did, if not more. And after spending a year with Dad in that Time Chamber, I'm at least as strong as he is now. And then, if I play it carefully, I could actually win this! GOKU: Oh, hey Krillin? Can you bean me real quick? KRILLIN: Oh sure, here. (hands Goku a Senzu Bean) GOKU: Thanks, friend. Hey, Cell! PERFECT CELL: Hmm? GOKU: Senzu Bean! (throws the Senzu Bean at Perfect Cell) KRILLIN: Huh? (Perfect Cell catches the bean) NO!! PICCOLO: WHAT!?! YAMCHA: WHY!?! GOKU: What? I'm just playing fair. He's tired. He's got post-Goku exhaustion. GOHAN: Dad! He is going to kill me!! PERFECT CELL: Hey, you said it, not me. (eats the Senzu Bean and swallows it) OH, THAT'S THAT GOOD SHIT! (powers up) Suck it kale, you bush-league super food. GOHAN: (thinking) Well, war of attrition is out, so deep end it is. (powers up) HAAAAAAAAAA...! PICCOLO: Which one was it, Goku? Which concussion did you suffer that made you think ANY of this was a good idea!?! GOKU: Piccolo, just watch. You're going to see amazing things out there. PICCOLO: What's amazing about watching your 11-year-old son get murdered?! GOKU: Gohan might be 11 years old, but he's also like... I dunno, a hundred times stronger than I was at that age! PICCOLO: (off-screen) Goku... GOKU: He's been keeping pace with us since he was a baby. I mean, you should know. You kidnapped him. PICCOLO: (off-screen) Goku... GOKU: And after spending that year alone with him, I know more than anyone that he's going to-- PICCOLO: GOKU! GOKU: What!? (Perfect is shown repeatedly punching Gohan in the face) PERFECT CELL: (as he continues to pummel Gohan) Thinkin' o' you, Goku! SEQUENCE STINGER (cut over to Mr. Satan's mansion with a little girl watching Gohan entering the fight against Perfect Cell) JIMMY FIRECRACKER: ...previously reported to BEAT HIS WIFE, has resigned himself, and sent his own child to fight Cell! LITTLE VIDEL: Hm... Sweet hair. OUTRO